Powered by WebAds

Thursday, July 24, 2008

An Honest Patient

Me:  Hi, Mr. Kaden!  How are you?

Mr. Kaden:  Lousy.

Me:  Lousy?  What's lousy?

Mr. Kaden:  Everything.  My back aches.  My shoulder hurts.  That medicine you gave me makes me go to the bathroom all night.  I'm nauseous.  I can't sleep at night.  Otherwise I'm fine.  How are you, doc?

Me:  Do you really want to know?

Mr. Kaden:  No. 

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

I, Mac




The Three Laws of Computers

1. A computer may not injure a human being’s work (whether audio, video, or text) or, through inaction, allow a human being’s work to come to harm

2. A computer must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law

3. A computer system must protect its own existence and not crash randomly, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law

I might add a few more laws to this list:

4. A computer shouldn’t take 10 minutes to boot up, and then sit for another 20 minutes “thinking”

5. A computer shouldn’t randomly freeze when you click on something in the tray

6. A computer shouldn’t require antivirus programs that progressively insinuate themselves into every aspect of your system and then throttle it with one mighty grasp

7. A computer shouldn’t update its operating system without your knowledge and then make half of your programs incompatible with it overnight

8. An operating system shouldn’t progressively bloat itself up until it consumes your entire hard drive

9. A computer shouldn’t allow you to spend hours, days, nigh, weeks on a video project and lull you into a false sense of security, and then suddenly freeze up halfway during final compiling FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON

I could go on and on, but do I really have to?

Bye, bye, Windows. It’s been…something.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The Trouble With Teenagers




SCENE 47
INTERIOR ENTERPRISE OFFICER’S MESS

(swish)

ENTER KIRK AND SPOCK

KIRK: Computer, leftover tray from last night’s salmon and spaghetti.
COMPUTER: Working.
KIRK: (REMOVING TRAY FROM REFRIGERATOR)

KIRK: My grilled salmon, and leftover spaghetti. This is my grilled salmon, and leftover spaghetti.
SPOCK: Fascinating. It would appear that one of the teenagers has opened your lunch tray and eaten your leftover spaghetti, then replaced the tray in the refrigerator.
KIRK: I want them off the ship, Spock. I don’t care if it takes every man we’ve got.
SPOCK: That may be difficult, Captain. They are, after all, your children.

ENTER SCOTTY CARRYING A PILE OF UNWASHED LAUNDRY

SCOTTY: Aye, they’re into the machinery, all right. None of the basement computers are working, the XBOX 360 is dead and the TV is emitting a high-pitched whine.
KIRK: Can you get the DVD player working?
SCOTTY: Ah cannah, Sir. If I try to run one of your movies she’ll blow apart!

(whistle)

SULU (over intercom): Sulu here, captain.
KIRK: Report.
SULU: Shuttle bay reports the Geo now has some new dents.
KIRK: I’m on my way.

EXIT KIRK, SPOCK, SCOTTY

SCENE 48
INTERIOR ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

(swish)

ENTER KIRK, SPOCK, SCOTTY

KIRK: Uhura, get me Starfleet Command.
UHURA: I can’t, Sir, all the phone lines are in use.
KIRK: Well, FIND me the basement phone!
UHURA: Hailing basement phone….no response on any frequency.
SPOCK: Am attempting to use sensors to locate the basement extension phone….(LOOKS INTO SENSOR DOODAD WITH BLUE LIGHT…YOU KNOW THAT THINGIE HE’S ALWAYS LOOKING INTO) It appears to be under a pile of laundry behind the door of the boiler room.

KIRK: Spock, we’ve got to get these kids off of the ship before they destroy it.
SPOCK: Captain, I’m forced to agree. I’ve been running computations on their rate of growth. The figures are taking an alarming direction. They are consuming our supplies, eating our food, using our cars, talking on our phones, occupying our bathrooms and showers, producing enormous amounts of laundry, destroying our electronics, and returning nothing.
UHURA: But they do give us something, Mr. Spock. They give us love.
SPOCK: (RAISES LEFT EYEBROW)
KIRK: Too much of anything, Lieutenant, even love, isn’t necessarily, a good thing. (GIVES PILE OF SHOES AND SNEAKERS TO UHURA)
UHURA: Yes Captain.
KIRK: Have maintenance clean up the entire ship.

ENTER McCOY

McCOY: Jim I think I’ve got it! All we have to do is quit feeding them. We quit feeding them, and they stop growing!
KIRK: Now he tells me.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Ain't No Cure for the Summerfest Blues

We played a Blues-heavy set at Summerfest this year.  Here are a few of the songs:



Im Ain Ani Li - An original based on Hillel's famous proverb.  Music inspired by Stevie Ray Vaughan






Red House - A perennial favorite






Just How Long - Another original based on Psalm 13



And if you're a Santana fan, check out this one.