I went out to a Fundraising Dinner last night, the first since my father, OB”M, died. People who came up to me and remarked about how glad I must feel to be able to come to these functions again have totally missed the boat with me. I was not missing these things at all last year.
Anyway, they put me at a table with people who were total strangers to me, and I did not attempt to communicate with them for several reasons. One, I am antisocial. Two, the music was just loud enough, and my ears just shell-shocked enough from a band practice earlier in the day, that I couldn’t hear anything any of them were saying. Three, my voice was hoarse from the rehearsal so they couldn’t hear me without my attempting a yell (CAN YOU PASS THE MARGARINE? THE MAAAARRRRGAAARINNNEEE???). And four, I’m antisocial.
Fortunately, there was mixed seating at this event, so at least I could sit next to Mrs. B, as long as I didn’t have to walk out because I was being paged by the hospital (which was ALL the time).
This was one of those events where we were given an advance choice of main courses, and I opted for the fish, thinking that I always choose the meat so why don’t I choose the fish. Well, as soon as they brought it, I realized that it was a mistake. I love all kinds of fish, with the exception of baked fish, which is of course what they brought me. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to bake a salmon, you might as well save everyone the trouble and just dump it straight into the garbage. I’m just sayin’. Broil it, fry it, grill it, but bake it? Phshleh.
Meanwhile, the other people at the table were getting prime rib (which looked really good), including the guy sitting next to me who apparently never showed up for the event. So I had this plate of tasteless, textureless fish in front of me, and then a plate of prime rib next to me, saying “eat me”. But then, I’m at a table of total strangers and it might seem odd if I were to suddenly switch dishes while they stared at me. Plus, what if meat-boy actually showed up?
So I figured, what the hey, it’s only $250, I’ll eat the fish. It’s going to a good cause. So I ate it. And it was…eh. But I was still hungry afterwards. And the prime rib was still sitting there, beckoning to me.
And then I’m thinking…$250? I spent $250 on this meal and I’m still freakin’ hungry?? Whass up wit dat? Nobody’s eating that meat, it’s just getting cold. They’re only going to throw it away…
So I’m going back and forth on this, and I get paged a number of times and have to go out to the lobby to answer the pages, and then I come back and the plate is still there. And I think…screw this! I’m eating the meat!
But just then, the speeches start. And I’m sitting on the side of the table with my back to the podium, meaning that all the strange people at the table are facing me and looking past me to the speaker. And it’s totally silent at this point, other than the speaker. Nobody is even eating anymore. For me to pull this plate over, and start making tinkling knife and fork noises with it (and, G-d help me, chewing noises) would be very conspicuous. Not to mention…kinda low-classed. So I just kept looking at it. And it’s possible it may have been looking back at me.
I can only imagine what would have been going through its mind, assuming it had one. “What are you looking at? Eat me already! Can’t you see I’m just sitting here getting cold? Who do you think is going to eat me? What do you think they’re going to do with me? Nobody will be taking me for lunch tomorrow! Stop being such a wuss!”
I was about to make my move when…the pager vibrated. This then became a very complex mathematical equation. It went something like this:
(Bad Fish Dinner)+(Still Hungry)-(Conspicuous Consumption)-([Boring Speech]+[Good Excuse to Walk Out])-(Urgency of Hospital Page X Random % of Actually Important)+(250WTF) = Good Fodder for Slow Monday Blog Post