Why do you hate me? What have I ever done to you to deserve the treatment you have given me?
You continuously insult me. You deride me in front of your friends. You refer to me as a "crapmobile." You are constantly threatening to replace me. You tell almost everyone you meet that the only reason you haven't dumped me yet is because you have to pay for your kids' tuition.
You go to Auto Shows and drool over sleek, sexy new vehicles. That's bad enough. But do you have drive me to the show?? Can't you take Mrs. Balabusta's fancy shmancy new minivan? Can't you see how hurtful that is to me?
You neglect me and only change my oil when the dashboard light goes on. Speaking of which, do you ever intend to fix that dome light? You leave me exposed and vulnerable in parking lots where vandals can break into me. Have you ever even considered buying an alarm for me? The only time you've put any effort into improving me was when your dashboard got broken into and your precious radio was stolen. THAT got your attention.
Look, I'm grateful that you replaced your driver's side seatbelt finally, after it wouldn't retract anymore. And thank you for the new tires. What has it been, seven years since the last set? Maybe if you rotated them every once in a while they wouldn't go bald and tractionless in the snow.
Yes, the tires were nice, but that doesn't excuse you from taking that cross-country detour last weekend. That was UNCALLED for! And going 80 on those bumpy roads! You're lucky I didn't shake apart altogether! The tires were new, but the suspension sure wasn't. Oh, and thanks for breaking the rear-view mirror while you were at it!
And then---hooo boy---this trumps everything. You let your KIDS drive me! You even let them "practice" on me. Would you let your kids "practice" on your worst enemy? I doubt it. And yet, you even let your daughter (aptly named, that one) take me for a drive to library last night--and she returned without one of the side mirrors!
So I ask again, what have I ever done to deserve this?
Have I not faithfully served you, driven you to and from work, entertained you on the way, for the past 13 years?
Have I not given you more than 100,000 miles of smooth service?
Have I not cooled you when it was hot, and heated you in the cold?
Have I ever refused to start (except for those times when the batteries died)?
Have I ever stalled on you in the middle of a busy intersection?
Have you ever seen or heard pieces of me randomly fall off as you drove along?
Why do you hate me?
Your long-suffering but faithful car,