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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Why Do You Hate Me?

Dear Psychotoddler,

Why do you hate me? What have I ever done to you to deserve the treatment you have given me?

You continuously insult me. You deride me in front of your friends. You refer to me as a "crapmobile." You are constantly threatening to replace me. You tell almost everyone you meet that the only reason you haven't dumped me yet is because you have to pay for your kids' tuition.

You go to Auto Shows and drool over sleek, sexy new vehicles. That's bad enough. But do you have drive me to the show?? Can't you take Mrs. Balabusta's fancy shmancy new minivan? Can't you see how hurtful that is to me?

You neglect me and only change my oil when the dashboard light goes on. Speaking of which, do you ever intend to fix that dome light? You leave me exposed and vulnerable in parking lots where vandals can break into me. Have you ever even considered buying an alarm for me? The only time you've put any effort into improving me was when your dashboard got broken into and your precious radio was stolen. THAT got your attention.

Look, I'm grateful that you replaced your driver's side seatbelt finally, after it wouldn't retract anymore. And thank you for the new tires. What has it been, seven years since the last set? Maybe if you rotated them every once in a while they wouldn't go bald and tractionless in the snow.

Yes, the tires were nice, but that doesn't excuse you from taking that cross-country detour last weekend. That was UNCALLED for! And going 80 on those bumpy roads! You're lucky I didn't shake apart altogether! The tires were new, but the suspension sure wasn't. Oh, and thanks for breaking the rear-view mirror while you were at it!

And then---hooo boy---this trumps everything. You let your KIDS drive me! You even let them "practice" on me. Would you let your kids "practice" on your worst enemy? I doubt it. And yet, you even let your daughter (aptly named, that one) take me for a drive to library last night--and she returned without one of the side mirrors!

So I ask again, what have I ever done to deserve this?

Have I not faithfully served you, driven you to and from work, entertained you on the way, for the past 13 years?

Have I not given you more than 100,000 miles of smooth service?

Have I not cooled you when it was hot, and heated you in the cold?

Have I ever refused to start (except for those times when the batteries died)?

Have I ever stalled on you in the middle of a busy intersection?

Have you ever seen or heard pieces of me randomly fall off as you drove along?

Why do you hate me?

Your long-suffering but faithful car,


Geo

30 comments:

Ezzie said...

LOLOLOL :)

Ezzie said...

(Sorry - couldn't help but think of my father's old car(s), my FIL's old car...)

Wickwire said...

I seriously won't talk trash about my 98 Contour in front of her, but I do behind her back. When I found out what it was like without monthly car payments, I decided to keep her till she dies. Like your Geo, she's still going smooth and strong after more than 100,000 miles. Be nice to your car.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of my husbands old K car (remember those?!) Unfort for us it retired RIGHT after we replaced it with FOUR brand NEW tires. Talk about timing!!

Anonymous said...

You know that I know exactly what you're talking about here. Take it from the owner of a '95 Corolla : Never trash talk the car in front of the car. Allow the car to feel like superwoman if she has to. To all of you who ask why I bother to lock the doors: It's my ride, and it's what I got - for now! Just kidding, Corolla - I meant forever!

Anonymous said...

How did 1994 or 1995 get to be so long ago, anyway?!?

Anonymous said...

That reminds me of my old chevy nova: boy was it a mess of a car when I got a honda to replace it.

Just out of curiosity, how on earth did your daughter manage to lose a mirror last night? Heehee.

Kiwi the Geek said...

Dude, if you want the poor old bird to last another year, it would be a good idea to change the oil often. I know almost nothing about cars, but I know that much. ;o)

Anonymous said...

erech apayim v'rav chesed...

Sounds almost like our old datsun station wagon (the little blue car). It lasted over 200,000 miles on one engine, although by the time it was done the floor was growing holes and the car was going (strong!) on one single cylinder.

wow they don't make cars like they used to!

outofAMMO said...

This is a truly touching story. I feel deeply moved.


Unfortunately for you, not moved enough to wash your car. I hope it forgives me.

fudge said...

"aptly named", eh?

while i will not attempt to disown my prolific and well-publicized criminal history, i would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that i have not yet committed treason.

as for the mirror...you will hear about it, i'm sure

fudge said...

i mean vandalism, trespassing, abduction, ok, but at least i taketh not lightly the pledge of allegiance. there's gotta be a place where you can still get brownie points for that.

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

Geo? What kind of a name for a car is that? *my* car is named FALCOR!

Jack's Shack said...

Want a new car? Just total your old one.

Ok. This is not the preferred method but it does work for some.

kasamba said...

OMG! My heart aches for your vehicle!

What are you going to do to apologise?????

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Geo: That was great! When are you starting your own blog?

Give PT a run for his money...

PsychoToddler said...

Ezzie: Yes, old cars do tend to get cranky.

Wickwire: A 98?! That's a youngster!

Riva: I learned to drive on a K-Car! What memories you bring back. My friend Larry doing Archie Bunker imitations from the back seat...driving over a paper bag in the road and the instructer going berzerk...launching into the wrong lane on Main Street...

And...um...I just put 4 new tires on the Geo...

RM and HNC: The Toyota engine on this baby is remarkable. Still going stong (kine hora). It's the GM parts that are all breaking. The seatbelt. The ignition. The rear view mirror. The dome light. Some of the plastic parts in the trunk. The cupholders (seriously, you don't know what a pain it is not to have them until they are gone). The defroster wires on the back window (just the middle ones...grrr).

Jessica: It's a long story. Not really. It's up to her to tell it.

Kiwi: I've been pretty good about changing the oil and fluids and stuff. Not sure what that puddle is in the garage, though.

OOA: Laugh now. We'll see if there's a car when you want to learn how to drive. For the record, OOA/Curly is not a technology-friendly guy. If there's a crashed computer in the house, there's a good chance he's been using it.

fudge: while I will admit that you are the only member of the family with an actual criminal record, it was actually your *real* name that Geo was referring to.

steg: *my* car is named FALCOR!

Why am I not surprised.

Jack: I dunno...seems a little extreme...

Kasamba: I was thinking I'd take it out to Shallot's for dinner next week.

Jameel: Why not? Everyone else in my family has a blog.

Eeees said...

Gee PT, I'd be careful if I were you! I don't think I'd be brave enough to malign a car that can BLOG!
Never know what other talents its been hiding!

Anonymous said...

ROTFL! I am laughing so hard...
I guess it was about time the only non blogging family member had a guest post.

PsychoToddler said...

I guess I should count my blessings that my goldfish aren't around anymore.

fudge said...

abba: what, fudge?

and grandma seems to remember you having like a turtle or something...

Stacey said...

LMAO! Too funny.

PsychoToddler said...

What?? Don't be ridiculous. I never had a turtle. That was Cousin Michael.

Anonymous said...

What happened to them, did fudge train The PT to eat them?

(heaven knows my eldest brother trained my 2nd eldest to eat live fish informing him that's what they where for.)

PsychoToddler said...

I don't want to point fingers, but a certain toddler was overzealous about feeding them.

Anonymous said...

s'o.k. My kindergarten class did the same thing to our fish. (two sets too!)

That kind of problem usualy doesn't go away till they're alittle older!

But gee, you'd think that the fishies would learn to eat less!

Anonymous said...

Our Corolla's cupholder just totally disintegrated recently. It really is quite an annoying thing to have break. I think my dome light just needs the bulb replaced. A portion of one headlight has been taped over for at least a couple of years. Poor car definitely needs a major interior vacuuming under the carseats. I don't know if it can wait until Pesach.

BTW, I know over at Treppenwitz he was very adamant about it, but I am totally with you on the fact that the blogrolling recently updated setting totally doesn't work properly!

Shira Salamone said...

Too funny! :)

Hey, wait a minute--you still have two kids not yet old enough to blog. If the Geo lasts long enough, Iguana may publish her first post before the poor car finally gets consigned to the scrap heap. :)

Bagel Blogger said...

Sounds like you've had a reasonable run out of the 'crapmobile'.
Have you ever thought ole crapmobile, might just be talking behind your back at the parking lot?
Hey? maybe its time for a new owner, the old ones getting old and kvetches too much!

Bagelblogger
Visit: Bagelblogger

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