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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Neighborhood Patrol

I recently volunteered for the Neighborhood Patrol once a month. Last night was my first shift. What follows is the log of our activities:

19:45 Proceeded to my partner's house to pick him up for the patrol. I was the designated driver.

20:00 Patrol begins.

20:01 Made stop at local donut store for shakedown.

20:13 Suspicious vehicle seen double parked on N 49th Street. Police contacted; ticket issued.

20:25 Observed late '70s model Oldmobile running red light. Rolled down my window and yelled "Citizen's Arrest!! Citizen's Arrest!!" Vehicle did not stop. Policed notified of license plate number.

20:30 Observed suspicious teenagers congregating in front of house on N 55th Street. Rolled down window, shined flashlight at them, and yelled "You darn kids! Get off my lawn!"

20:45 Responded to call about domestic dispute on N 52nd Street. Upon entry to apartment, I was attacked by a vicious Pit Bull. Said Pit Bull was subdued with flashlight and restrained with paw-cuffs. Occupant then attempted to fence obviously stolen fake Jewelry to this patrolman. Said Jewelry was confiscated as evidence.

21:03 Observed Male age approximately 45 with four mechanical arms ascend to top of St. Joseph's Hospital patient tower. Perpetrator then demanded that control of the UN be turned over to him or he would destroy the Universe. Call placed to Police. Police asked us to please stop calling them. Perpetrator was dispatched with rocket launcher from trunk of Patrol Vehicle.

21:40 Responded to call reporting interdimensional rift in the 3400 block of N 57th Street. Upon arrival, patrol did observe multiple demons, imps and other Hell-spawn emerging from said rift, and using shotguns--

Mrs. Balabusta: What are you doing?

PT: Huh?

Mrs. Balabusta: What are you doing here?

PT: I'm giving a report of our activities last night.

Mrs. Balabusta: Are you joking? Doctor Octopus? You blew up Doctor Octopus with a rocket launcher?? Do you seriously expect people to believe this?

PT: Hey, it was a rough night last night! It's dangerous patrolling the streets at night! Why, did you know that at one point we had to face off against six gang members with AK-47s?? Would you believe it? Six gang members with AK-47s!

Mrs. Balabusta: I find that rather difficult to believe.

PT: Really? Would you believe three kids with slingshots?

Mrs. Balabusta: No.

PT: How about a cat with a bad attitude?

Mrs. Balabusta: I don't think so.

PT: Oh...well...what really happened is that we drove around for two hours and looked at a lot of snow.


Anonymous said...

I hope Mrs. B enjoys your *very* active imagination...

Shira Salamone said...

Interdimensional rift??? You've been watching way too much sci fi. :) :) :)

AidelMaidel, she married a singer/songwriter, so I think she had at least a clue. :)

Anonymous said...

The Mrs. oughtta cross-post her own version of these shenanigans to Our Husbands Speak :)

Kiwi the Geek said...

At 20:13, I thought, "Doesn't PT have anything better to do than play parking-nanny?"

At 20:25, I thought, "This can't be true."

At 20:45, I thought, "Is any of this true?"

And from then on, I just laughed harder.

I second RaggedyMom.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a Dr. Seuss book. I think it was called "And to Think That I Saw it on Mulberry Street"

Ezzie said...

At 20:13, I thought, "Doesn't PT have anything better to do than play parking-nanny?"

At 20:25, I thought, "This can't be true."

At 20:45, I thought, "Is any of this true?"

And from then on, I just laughed harder.

Amen. :) It's even funnier picturing your partner...! What did you talk about for two hours? How the snow was nothing compared to Cleveland?!

Anonymous said...

Here's the $100,000 question: Are you allowed to listen to music in the car while you're "patrolling"? If so, what'd ya pick?! Maybe neighborhood watch calls for The Police's "Every Breath You Take."

PsychoToddler said...

AM: So do I.

Shira: Or playing too much Doom.

RM: Yeah, like, "Mr. Wonderful decided to volunteer to drive a patrol (loser) so I stayed home and watched the Sopranos without him (loser)."

Kiwi: It's ALL true!

LB: That is a great book. And to think that I saw it on 51st boulevard...

Ezzie has a little inside info as to who my partner was, and that he was a prominent rabbi so I hope he doesn't see this blog...

Yeah, we talked about cars alot, and I reassured him that there were new tires on the Geo (the streets are covered with snow here) and we also talked about how the neighborhood has...evolved...during the time since I moved here. Also people kept calling him to find out how it was going. At first he kept saying, "nothing's going on, it's boring," but after a while, at my insistence, he began making things up.

RM: I guess we could listen to music but technically I am in availus so we didn't (although I have to confess that I sometimes still do).

outofAMMO said...

you should have left it witht the imps and demons. Now THAT'S interesting stuff.

Anne said...

So ... what did you do about the interdimensional rift? Don't leave me hanging ...

Ezzie said...

He can be creative when he wants to be... :)

Anonymous said...

No . . . music . . . for . . . pleasure . . . DUH :(

(My kids ate my brain cells)

Mrs. Balabusta said...

First of all, I was watching the Sopranos. So far I have seen the pilot. I like it. Slightly violent, but I digress

Second of all, he was not in the Starsky and Hutchmobile, although that day happened too. He was driving a 14 yo Geo with no passenger side mirror (see previous post) and no dome light. So (I am not making this up) he takes the toddler's flashlight with him when he wants to see what he is doing in the car.

It's a good thing she has to go to bed at 8, or he would have been SOL.

Oh and by the way, it has very nice tires.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you volunteered for neighborhood patrol. I mean it was nice of you, but the reality of it (versus what happens "in your head") sounds painfully boring.

Although I would pay money to see you patrolling in a freaking GEO. I get the giggles just thinking about it.

Kiwi the Geek said...

PT, you're corrupting the rabbi!?!? *You're* the imp!

Ezzie, that may be the first time anybody ever complimented one of my comments. I'm gonna be 10 feet tall all week!

Mrs. B, isn't PT old enough to have his own flashlight? <giggle>

Anonymous said...


White House Tries to Sell Iraq Plan to Skeptical Republicans

Anonymous said...

just as long as he wasn't taking part in the tznius patrol.

PsychoToddler said...

OOA: I agree. I don't know why your mother had to stop me when she did.

Anne: Hey, how are things in that rock you've been hiding under? We're going to be in Chicago on Thursday, do you want to get together?

Ezzie: Apparently.

RM: Kids'll do that. No offense taken.

Mrs. B: he was not in the Starsky and Hutchmobile

Right, that was my last car.

It IS a good thing The PT wasn't around when I took that flashlight out of the house.

Jessica: It was the least I could do. I believe in giving back to the community a little. You can sit and complain, or you can get involved.

Interestingly, there was this whole discussion we had about whether the car should be marked or not. I was of the opinion that it should be, in order to spread awareness in the community that there was, in fact, a patrol. Because that's the whole benefit of having a patrol. Someone driving around 2hrs a night in a private car isn't going to stop a lot of crimes per se. But the visibility let's people know that we are paying attention, and then word gets out. There was concern, however, that if our cars are marked that they would become targets for vandalism. So we were completely under cover.

Never the less, it reminded me of that great scene in Dr. Strangelove where they are talking about the deterrent effects of Russia's super secret doomsday machine:

Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing...but the whole point of the doomsday machine is lost if you keep it a secret! Why didn't you tell the world?

Kiwi: Yeah, Mrs. B, why can't I have my OWN flashlight??

Anonymous: I appreciate the off topic link, but what's with the random letters?

HNC: We don't have one of those...yet.

Anonymous said...

thank g-d for that! Tznius patrols are the sign of a declining neighbor hood.

But perhaps it would be fun to go around spraying the tznius patrol people with bleach, or more preferably their cheeks and hands with very low concentration nitric acid. That way their skin turns yellow and it's clear for all just how silly they are.

But you can't go wrong with a little bit of sodium. Just that and some water and watch the fireworks.

PsychoToddler said...

Of course, that isn't to say that we don't have people who feel they have the right to comment on/criticize what others wear, or that the school doesn't teach our kids a certain dress code. But you'll have that in any community, frum, Jewish, or otherwise.

This neighborhood is definitely on the upswing, especially as concerns the Orthodox community. We've got tons of new families moving in every year. It used to be that I knew everybody my age in the whole city. Now I see new faces in shul on a weekly basis.

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

LOL i wish i were on neighborhood patrol with you. i would bring my death ray.

don't worry, i'll set it to 'stun'

...but only if you insist.

Anonymous said...

steg, why not just a sphere of annialation?

Those are fun :-)

or a portable hole, Or how about just inflicting hideous laughter on them all? some jolliness could do the sourpusses some real good.

Tzipporah said...

Don't you think it would be more fun to bring along, say, gift certificates to Victoria's Secret just in case you catch a tznius-patrol-type?

RR said...

I liked your homage to Agent 86 :-)

PsychoToddler said...

We were facing death and danger at every turn.


...loving it!

Chana said...

I believed you until 21:03


PsychoToddler said...

20:45 actually happened.

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...


i prefer weapons that can be directed, like say, a solar flare or vampiric blast.