Thursday, January 18, 2007
I recently volunteered for the Neighborhood Patrol once a month. Last night was my first shift. What follows is the log of our activities:
19:45 Proceeded to my partner's house to pick him up for the patrol. I was the designated driver.
20:00 Patrol begins.
20:01 Made stop at local donut store for shakedown.
20:13 Suspicious vehicle seen double parked on N 49th Street. Police contacted; ticket issued.
20:25 Observed late '70s model Oldmobile running red light. Rolled down my window and yelled "Citizen's Arrest!! Citizen's Arrest!!" Vehicle did not stop. Policed notified of license plate number.
20:30 Observed suspicious teenagers congregating in front of house on N 55th Street. Rolled down window, shined flashlight at them, and yelled "You darn kids! Get off my lawn!"
20:45 Responded to call about domestic dispute on N 52nd Street. Upon entry to apartment, I was attacked by a vicious Pit Bull. Said Pit Bull was subdued with flashlight and restrained with paw-cuffs. Occupant then attempted to fence obviously stolen fake Jewelry to this patrolman. Said Jewelry was confiscated as evidence.
21:03 Observed Male age approximately 45 with four mechanical arms ascend to top of St. Joseph's Hospital patient tower. Perpetrator then demanded that control of the UN be turned over to him or he would destroy the Universe. Call placed to Police. Police asked us to please stop calling them. Perpetrator was dispatched with rocket launcher from trunk of Patrol Vehicle.
21:40 Responded to call reporting interdimensional rift in the 3400 block of N 57th Street. Upon arrival, patrol did observe multiple demons, imps and other Hell-spawn emerging from said rift, and using shotguns--
Mrs. Balabusta: What are you doing?
Mrs. Balabusta: What are you doing here?
PT: I'm giving a report of our activities last night.
Mrs. Balabusta: Are you joking? Doctor Octopus? You blew up Doctor Octopus with a rocket launcher?? Do you seriously expect people to believe this?
PT: Hey, it was a rough night last night! It's dangerous patrolling the streets at night! Why, did you know that at one point we had to face off against six gang members with AK-47s?? Would you believe it? Six gang members with AK-47s!
Mrs. Balabusta: I find that rather difficult to believe.
PT: Really? Would you believe three kids with slingshots?
Mrs. Balabusta: No.
PT: How about a cat with a bad attitude?
Mrs. Balabusta: I don't think so.
PT: Oh...well...what really happened is that we drove around for two hours and looked at a lot of snow.