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Thursday, June 15, 2006

Immigration Policy Reform



It has become clear to me that the biggest issue facing our great nation today is the illegal migration of clothing from my wife's portion of the closet to my own. This clothing is increasingly displacing the native wardrobe, causing great hardship to the existing clothing which must now be compressed more and more to accommodate the extra burden of clothing on my rack. Access to my clothing is becoming more and more difficult as it is progressively being pushed farther and farther to the right, to the section of the closet that is not easily accessible from the door.

Her clothing shows no signs of respect for my part of the closet. It refuses to learn the categorization by which my clothing is sorted, e.g. pants on one side, shirts on the other. It also misappropriates valuable resources, i.e. hangers, while contributing nothing to the rack on which it is hanging.

My wife regularly derides my choice in clothing to family and friends alike. But I submit that if my clothing is so offensive, then why does she insist on illegally crossing the very specifically delineated border (she gets the bottom rack, I get the top) to store her clothing with mine?

It's time to get tough about illegal clothing immigration. It's time to close the border. A closet which does not control its own borders can scarcely be called a closet at all.

I know there will arise the issue of amnesty. The problem of what to do about the existing illegal alien clothing already residing on my rack, using up a formidable percentage of the space there. One could argue that for humanitarian purposes it should be allowed to remain. After all, there isn't any room left on her rack for those articles.

But I say NO! If this clothing refuses to integrate into the existing clothing, if I can't walk around in one of her frilly shirts, for example, then it does NOT deserve to stay on my side of the closet.

It's time to TAKE BACK MY HALF OF THE CLOSET! Who's with me?

36 comments:

torontopearl said...

Oops, I'm guilty too, of unwittingly forcing my husband out of our decent-sized walk-in closet. Instead of arguing,and just finding himself in no-man's land, he insisted on annexing his wardrobe, and bought a build-it-yourself wardrobe cupboard for his items. But look at the bright side: in our nearly 13 years of marriage, I've managed to overtake the walk-in closet, the eight-drawer dresser and the three-shelved armoire...!

Halfnutcase said...

quite frankly? i'd rather stick my head in a lions mouth than chalange than (hypotheticaly as i'm not yet married) challange my wife regarding percieved excess of clothing.

my suggestion is you react likewise, better to shut up and put up with it than have cave woman steal your club and beat you with it for denying her space for clothes.:-)

Jewish Blogmeister said...

I say it's time to crack down on thos illeagals! We are a nations of laws and we must enforce them otherwise tyranny will reign free! Hey wait you are talking about clothes?oh my bad....

Sweettooth120 said...

I feel for you man. I have the same problem, but it's MY HUSBAND who is moving in on my turf. It's has even spread out into my dressers as well.

Is there no justice?

Ayelet said...

I can definitely say that my poor hubbie is with you on this issue. I might add, though, that you might as well give up now. It's a hopeless war you're waging and there's just no way you're going to win the battle. We women can get very territorial and downright nasty when you suggest that we squeeze and possibly wrinkle our favorite suit/skirt/top.

LittleBirdies said...

You really crack me up--yet it is so true.

And somehow all the closets in my parents house are packed to the gills and all the kids are married.

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

I like that colorful pic. Very humurous. So what ya gonna do bout it?

Jack's Shack said...

Brother, I'll stand shoulder to shoulder with you on this issue.

Let them all rid their closets of all but three pairs of shoes, and the bare necessities of other clothing items.

Give it away, burn it, sell it, rid your closet of it. AHHHHHHHHH!

Neil Harris said...

What?!? The husband get a CLOSET!! Wait till my wife reads this.

exsemgirl said...

LOL!

I will make sure to keep the animosity in mind for some point in my future...

Essie said...

You're funny, but I would not suggest waging any kind of war with your wife. You will DEFINITELY lose. I like torontopearl's husband's idea...

PsychoToddler said...

TP: Mrs. B. also has the entire hall closet to herself. Your husband is a coward. A coward I say! He should stand up for what's right!

And you, Half-nutcase, you are no better! Not even married, and already cowering! You are easy pickin's for all the hen-peckers out there. Hear that, hen-peckers? It's open season on HNC.

JB: Finally, a real man! Wait, what did you say?

ST: Right on, sister. See, it's not a sexist thing.

Ayelet: I have not yet begun to fight! Seriously, I have not begun. Nor do I intend to.

Little birdies: Welcome. Of course the kids are married. They had to move out. Where would they put their stuff?

Social Worker: What am I going to do? Nooooooooossssinnnggggg

Jack: The funny thing is that I just emptied my clost of all the clothing I haven't worn in the past 5-15 years. But that space was quickly filled up.

Neil: Your wife reads this?

Exsemgirl: (are you the Ex-semgirl?) Yes, yes, we will teach you all the bad habits you need for a dysfunctional relationship. Kidding. I'm kidding! Right, dear?

Essie: I have lost many battles. If it doesn't kill me, it makes me stronger.

StepIma said...

I'm with Neil.

You should feel grateful that she let you have a whole closet (closet rack, closet space, whatever...) for so long. The problem is that you've clearly been spoiled into thinking it was all yours. In fact, if I were you, I'd take some time out now and make some extra room for an incoming wave of shoes, which are surely bound for your shores in your future.

They're not the enemy. Rather, they will revitalize the space, beautifying it, adding a richness and multicultural depth hitherto unknown. Italian shoes! French scarves! German... well, I'm sure something comes from Germany... Armani! Chanel! Kawakubo! Kathy Ireland!

Don't be an isolationist. Female fashion immigration is good. Lift your lamp beside the golden door!

PsychoToddler said...

You're with Neil? Are you his wife?

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

I knew that:).

Anonymous said...

Congress takes up troop debate


they should discussing this as welll

PsychoToddler said...

Sorry, anon, my wife and I have very little direct control over the duration of the military operation in Iraq. Thanks for stopping by!

kasamba said...

Best post ever!!!!

My husbands closet is so xenophobic that he has barbed wire and armoured guards making sure my clothes don't infiltrate his tiny eeny weeny little patch of hanging space.

PsychoToddler said...

I'm strongly considering bringing in the National Guard. But my bedroom is cluttered enough as it is.

Best post ever? Really? I thought I had some better ones somewhere.

exsemgirl said...

PsychoToddler - (Am i the ex-semgirl?? What does that mean?? )

You were kidding??? I wouldn't have known if you hadn't told me :P

kasamba said...

I just relate soooo much to it!

Ralphie said...

If you are not careful your wife's clothing will stage a one-day strike. Might get the neighbors talking.

PsychoToddler said...

A one-day strike, eh? I could get into that.

cruisin-mom said...

sorry, being the liberal that I am, I have to side with Mrs. B

Stacey said...

My husband has more clothes than I do, but I STILL give him the short rack in the closet!

Ezzie said...

My wife was forced (by me) to PROMISE not to put things in my closet, ever. As it was, all the luggage and games and who knows what got put there, while she had a full closet, drawers all over, and 3/4 of the front closet.

And yet, there are now a few clothes in my closet. I think it's time for WAR!

Chana said...

"I have not yet begun to fight! Seriously, I have not begun. Nor do I intend to."

LOL!!!!!!!!

Hey now, I've got perfectly good clothes that will fit once I lose my pregnancy weight.

(cough)

Mrs. Balabusta said...

Let's pause for a moment to consider what his clothes have to go through to GET to the closet.

After all someone has to sort the dirty clothes, unroll the sleeves, wash, dry, sort again, and then IRON his pants and shirts.

On a very good day he might just take them all out of the basement and take them up the stairs to his closet. But that is about the extent of his commitment to his clothes.

On the subject of his dresser, although it has 4 drawers, he is only really acquainted with the top two. The others, he believes, are there for moral support.

Furthermore, if you really want to hear him rant and rave, get his started on the subject of SOCKS!

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

Why don't you just... uh... move the offending garments back to their side/bar?

Eliyahu said...

so illegal immigration is the cause of MacMansions??!! talk about space warp!

parcequilfaut said...

As with so many things, I look to my parents for guidance....

...they have had separate walk-ins for thirty years. And my dad still complains that my mother has too many coats in the coat closet (while totally ignoring the fact that his outfits, being mostly suits, come with their own jackets stored in his proprietary closet.)

I suppose the PT can always call lamigra on his wife....but then his laundry service might get interrupted... ;)

PsychoToddler said...

Cruisin Mom: Maybe you'd like it better in your cell, your Highness?

Stacey: Your husband knows better than to mess with you!

Ezzie: Come now. Women are not obliged to stick to their promises, unless you have it in a pre-nuptual? Didn't think so.

Chana: Hey now, I've got perfectly good clothes that will fit once I lose my pregnancy weight.

Yeah, I keep telling myself the same thing. Your avatar is totally freaking me out, BTW.

PsychoToddler said...

Mrs B: Let's be fair, here. I do my fair share of the sorting/washing/switching/resorting/folding/shlepping. The only thing I can't do is iron. Well, I can iron, but not to the desired effect. That is to say, my ironing does not result in clothing that looks, say, better than wrinkled clothing, or even fit to wear, for that matter.

It's true there are 4 drawers (I think) in my dresser. But it's not my fault that I only use the top two. The others are so crammed with old sweaters and scrubs that I can't get them open any more.

And DON'T GET ME STARTED on orphaned socks!

Steg: I can tell that you're single.

Eliyahu: MacMansions??!!**

fahuqwgads: Yes, it's true, I need her for cheap labor. Did I say cheap?

Eliyahu said...

Eliyahu: MacMansions??!!**

MacMansions: the new standard housing of USA, lots of square footage & closet space. they're everywhere, and much the same style, like McDonalds fast food. and they're big. so Mac Mansions.

just the ticket for solving the problem at hand, although the construction help needed to build them might be another sort of illegal immigration.

PsychoToddler said...

Eliyahu: Not so fast. There is a law in computing that says something like the speed with which your hard drive fills up is directly proportional to its size. In other words, no matter how big of a hard drive you buy this year, it will be full by next year. The same applies for closets.

Wickwire said...

NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!