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Thursday, May 11, 2006

Detective Psychotoddler

Observation: There seems to be garbage strewn about on the ground in a linear fashion just outside my back door. It consists of business cards, gum, candy, some tissues, other paraphernalia.

Conclusion: My garbage can must have blown over.

Confounding observations: My garbage can is a good 30 feet away, behind a wooden fence. And it appears to be undisturbed.

New Conclusion: My son Curly must have taken out the garbage last night and dumped half of it on the ground.


Observation: There is a bicycle in the backyard.

Conclusion: Curly forgot to put his bicycle back in the garage last night.

Confounding observation: That doesn't look like Curly's bicycle.

New Conclusion: What the heck does Curly's bike look like anyway?


Observation: My wife is on the phone. She says there are 3 police squads at the house. The bicycle is stolen. The garbage near the back door appears to be the contents of someone's purse.

Conclusion: That's not Curly's bike. And he didn't take out the garbage last night.

Secondary Conclusion: My wife hasn't been teaching aerobics 3 nights a week. She's secretly been involved in a crime spree!

24 comments:

Ezzie said...

I'm sure your wife appreciates your detective capabilities. :)

I'm Haaretz, Ph.D. said...

LOL! I'm still working out the plot here, give me a minute...

Robbie said...

All I know is: I had nothing to do with it.

Doctor Bean said...

Hey, Sherlock! Are you saying that someone got their purse snatched from a bike thief in your back yard? What exactly happened?

PsychoToddler said...

Come on...connect the dots. Isn't it obvious?

Mrs. B. has been sneaking out of the house, stealing bikes from kids and then robbing old ladies! Oh, how could I have missed the signs all these years!

Adam said...

What does Sherlock Holmes say? Eliminate all the impossibilities and what remains, however improbable, is the truth.

Anonymous said...

PT -

Connect those dots to the patty wagon that has taken up permanent residence in our neighborhood, the bust at Sherman Perk on Wednesday night, the car directly across from my neighbor's garage that was trashed in broad daylight, and you have a Crown Heights here in good ole' MKE. At least they acknowledge the prblem. Everyone here just keeps on believing we live in safe place.

M in MKE

PsychoToddler said...

Crown Heights? I know I'm poking a little fun at what is actually a serious upswing in crime here (and which we as a community are adressing), but I'm not aware that anyone is insinuating that there is antisemitism involved.

torontopearl said...

"Mrs. B. has been sneaking out of the house, stealing bikes from kids and then robbing old ladies! "

OH! So THAT'S how she managed to make the money to put in a new kitchen, huh?

cruisin-mom said...

Robbie had everything to do with it.

kasamba said...

OK- so who's the good cop?

PsychoToddler said...

TP: Let's not even GO there.

kasamba: I'm the good cop. Ask the kids.

Doctor Bean said...

Hmm. Time to buy a gun?

PsychoToddler said...

I have lots of experience shooting space zombies, so I will be the first to say that if I had a gun, and a space zombie broke into my house I would not hesitate to pump it full of lead (assuming it doesn't have some kind of ray shield or immunity to bullets).

However, if I found, say, some Black kid trying to rip off my DVD player at 2 in the morning, the most likely scenario would be that I would stumble downstairs in my underwear, nervously clutching my gun, and rather than shoot on sight, I would hesitate, giving the kid a chance to shoot me first or steal my weapon.

Sweettooth120 said...

PT - now couldn't that same scenerio be with a white kid, or an asian kid? A thief doesn't come only in one color or race - Nachon?

PsychoToddler said...

True, a thief can be white, black, red, yellow, green, purple, English, French, Danish or Chassidish.

But the ones who have been attacking people and breaking into homes and cars in my neighborhood have been black.

Sweettooth120 said...

But the skin color of the person should never had entered into the point that you were making. Regardless what ethnic group is currently responsible for the crime in your neighborhood, if you find an intruder in your home, you would not use your gun, if you own one.

If the punk who is robbing your house is white, would you have said "..some white kid trying to rip of my dvd player...."? Probably not. It's something that many of us do when describing a person of color, but overlook it when they are white.

It's just an observation.

parcequilfaut said...

PT --

Now I know why the software exec with your last name that I read Tarot for earlier in the week got all shifty around the eyes when I asked him if he had family in the Great White North....

;)

parcequilfuhwagads

PsychoToddler said...

ST: Well, the point I was trying to make was that I have no problem shooting a space zombie, but statistically speaking, it is very unlikely that a space zombie will show up in my living room trying to rip off my DVD player. On the basis of statistics (ie who is actively engaged in committing crime in the immediate vicinity around my house), it is much more likely to be a Black kid in my living room, and I would not feel very comfortable opening fire.

So the purchase of a gun at this point would not be very useful.

Parce: Someone down there shares my name? I wonder, is he Jewish?

Ralphie said...

Why does it have to be a space zombie? Why couldn't it be a regular terrestrial zombie from the good ol' US of A? Why do you hate your country?

PsychoToddler said...

I guess I would have a harder time shooting a domestic zombie than a space zombie. Ralphie, you're right. I AM racist. I am definitely biased against space zombies vis a vis American zombies. I need to learn to be less judgemental.

After all, space zombies are people too.

parcequilfaut said...

He was here for a convention at which the party planners had provided folks like me to do stuff like read tarot and do horoscopes. I don't think he was from Nashvegas -- in fact I'm almost sure not -- and I probably would have gotten fired if I asked if he was Jewish.... :)

(With the way that particular hotel takes itself wayyyy too seriously, I probably could have gotten fired for asking him about his family, but I didn't see any of the scary party planner Type A's anywhere at the time.)

He and his wife were two of the most pleasant and genial people I dealt with all night (some of the few who actually thought to wonder if the hired help had gotten to eat since the party started three hours before), so hey...they're Sklars, they're awesome, I'm willing to believe they're related to the PT famiglia. So, yay.

On the subject of zombies, I have a cosmopolitan attitude thereto; if you're a zombie I don't give a flying flibbity fling flang what your pre-undead place or planet of origin was. (Although that reminded me of the night that we stayed up wayyyy too late and started analyzing the Constitution to see if we could get grounds to impeach the President on basis of undead. (Not the current one, necessarily, just any President who got zombie-bit.)

tuesdaywishes said...

About your local crime wave, I'm sure you are doing the usual stuff like incresing your outdoor lighting. An even more effective deterrent is putting speakers outside that play opera, classical, or even "easy listening". Though that last might get your F-i-l hanging around your backyard a lot more.

PsychoToddler said...

No comment.