Blessed is the Internet. Blessed is IT. Blessed are those who gave us the Blogosphere. Concerning four bloggers does the Blogosphere speak: The Wise Blogger, the Wicked Blogger, the Simple Blogger, and the Blogger Who Does Not Know How to Comment.
The Wise Blogger: The Wise Blogger is a much better writer than the rest of us. While many are content to write about poop or silly things their children say, the Wise Blogger writes about politics with such authority that we dare not contradict him. Or he is the perfect father, next to whom all other parents pale and are unworthy. Or she is the expert on relationships, so deep and self-aware that we can but wonder why it is that she still hasn't found the perfect mate. The Wise Blogger is the pinnacle of blogging, the unapproachable summit that we can only aspire to but never reach. Yes, we are not worthy even to comment on the Wise Blogger's Blog.
But the Lords of the Blogosphere have told us how to respond to the Wise Blogger: We must comment with the same high-falutin' technical language that they use. Remember, it is better to sound smart, than to be smart.
The Wicked Blogger: The Wicked Blogger exists to cause dissent and chaos! He criticizes everything! Finds fault with all arguments! He holds nothing Sacred! He comes to your Blog and leaves nasty comments, and insults your readers! Yea, verily, he is the quintessential Troll! Why, right now, I bet he's thinking up something nasty to say about this very post! He's so vain! He probably thinks this post is about him!
And the Creators of the Blogosphere have told us how to respond to him as well. We must "blunt his teeth": ban his IP address from our comments sections! Do not reply if he somehow slips in via a different computer at work! Feed not the Trolls! We must remind him that the Blogosphere was created for us, the forces of niceness! Had the Blogosphere lords known about the Wicked Blogger, well, they probably would have had second thoughts about this whole Blog thingie.
The Simple Blogger: The Simple Blogger craves neither accolades nor revulsion. The Simple Blogger blogs for fun and friendship. Sure, the Simple Blogger aims a little lower than the Wise Blogger, but he or she hits his or her target just as often. And more importantly, the Simple Blogger understands something that perhaps the Wise and Wicked Bloggers do not: That there is a market for people who want to read about poop and silly things said by kids. And Cavemen and Sean Connery.
And so the Bloglords tell us to remind the Simple Blogger: The Blogosphere was created for him or her as well, with a strong hand and some Band-aids, or somesuchIcan'treallyrememberrightnow.
The Blogger Who Does Not Know How to Comment: This one is such an important part of the Blogosphere, and yet he does not even realize it. He is our future. He is the Lurker. It is he who causes our Page Views to creep upwards, allowing us to evolve above our fellow blogs in The Truth Laid Bear. And yet he leaves no lasting trace of his visit. The Bloglords tell us to make an opening for him. Invite him to leave comments. Let him know that we appreciate his visit and would like to hear what he has to say, no matter how irrelevant, moronic, or incomprehensible it may be. Tell him, "this is what the Blogosphere has done for me! You can be a part of it too!"