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Sunday, December 25, 2005

Cro Magnon Movie Review


King Kong

Cro Magnon Man drag female by hair last night to see Peter Jackson version “King Kong.”

Cro Magnon need to set record straight: Cro Magnon LIKE De Lorentiis ’76 version with Jessica Lange. Jessica Lange…grrrrrl grrrroowwwwlllllll……. Cro Magnon think that version right for times. So what King Kong only Homo Sapien in suit? Look good on big screen. And Cro Magnon feel nostalgia for World Trade Center. Snif.

But now have new version from Oscar-Winning Director Jackson, so must see. Female not want to go. She want play X-Men on Playstation 2. Hah! How that for turning tables! Now it Cro Magnon turn to give FEMALE guilt trip! “Female only want to play video games. Never go out with Cro Magnon! Female care more about Wolverine than Cro Magnon!” So, Female come to Multiplex.

Arrrrr!!!!! How they charge $8.50 for movie ticket?! No time to rant. Need get to seat so not miss Coming Attractions. Female already upset we there too early. Female HATE coming attractions! Why need to rush Female to get to movie on time, when have to sit through 20 minutes commercials?! Bah!!

Cro Magnon pay no heed. Cro Magnon LIKE Coming Attractions. Usually much better than movie! Cro Magnon look for good seats. Ha! There good seat in first row! What?? Female not want sit there? Move up to MIDDLE???!!! ROOOAAAARRRRRR!!!!! What point of THAT???? Cro Magnon can watch small picture in own CAVE!! Not go to movies to sit in BACK!!

FINE!! Cro Magnon not stranger to compromise. Understand Male/Female relationship about give and take. Also understand it important Female think she take more than give. Cro Magnon reluctantly move to middle. At least not have neck ache.

Ahhhhhh….finally movie start! Movie LOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG….. What deal with every movie more than 3 hour now? What director think DVD for? Cro Magnon want tell Peter Jackson he need do better job EDITING. Even Cro Magnon know that. Cro Magnon think many scenes better for ‘deleted scenes gallery’ or ‘extended director’s cut’ version. Not needed in Theatrical Version. Cro Magnon not have attention span issues, but Cro Magnon have MAJOR BLADDER issues and at end of movie feel he will explode. Cro Magnon think whole subplot with “Heart of Darkness” not add to film. Also think a few battles on Skull Island not necessary. Female agree she live long and happy life without seeing giant bug battle. Cro Magnon happy to watch that in cave on DVD with cave children.

Cro Magnon think cast wonderful. Cro Magnon big fan of Jack Black. Cannot say enough about Jack Black. But Cro Magnon not able to take Jack Black seriously. Even when have serious or terrified expression on face, Cro Magnon still think Jack Black making big joke. Or about to start song. Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody add touch of class to film and Cro Magnon and Female enjoy watching them.

Which bring to Kong. Kong very well made. Look natural. Not suffer from rubbery or overfluid movement of typical digital character (wave at Jar Jar). Kong remind Cro Magnon of fellow co-worker in rock quarry. Also have thing for skinny blondes.

Cro Magnon enjoy sets depicting old New York. Empire State Building look spectacular. Especially appreciate homage to original film in scene with final bi-plane battle. Many shots copied. MMMM….feel good to see again. But Cro Magnon disappointed that much of Skull Island look fake. Big overhead view of Islander city remind Cro Magnon too much of Lord of Rings city flyovers. Expect to see Orcs on walls. Not look bad, but look much like model with CGI characters painted in. Take Cro Magnon out of illusion of reality. Cro Magnon think ’76 film do Skull Island better. Also, early dinosaurs not look so good. Apatosauri look rubbery and fake, particularly when puny Homo Sapiens running between feet. Take it from Cro Magnon, he know what it like to run from Dinosaur! But T-Rex battles done well.

So overall, Cro Magnon and Female like movie, but feel too long and over reliance on digital characters take away from immersion.

Final score: 3 grunts.

26 comments:

rabbi neil fleischmann said...

There's a gap between real people and critics. I've heard from several people that it wasn't all the critics are painting it to be.

Eshet Chayil said...

lol that was really cute.

Irina Tsukerman said...

LOL, funny review! I enjoy long movies, so I didn't think of the time as a problem, but I see your point! : )

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

King Kong was one of the most visually breathtaking movies i've ever seen. Everything in it was beautiful. Even the disgusting giant bug fight scene was beautiful[ly nauseating].

I think i have the same problem with Jack Black. He was perfect for the role, though.

Neil said...

But admit it, you missed Jessica Lange.

Mrs. Balabusta said...

The movie wasn't bad. I don't like bugs. The ape was cute the same way Benji was cute in the 70s, of course, Benji was an authenticly cute actual DNA based mammal, but there is no accounting for taste.

As for the location of our seats, we had decent seats, it was just the six kids behind us coughing popcorn on me that kind of made me think I would be more comfortable a few more rows in a different direction.

Unlike the Cro Magnon, I wanted to move while we still had choices, as the theater was filling up and the kids left to get more popcorn (ugh). See, I can look at a situation not for what it is, but for what it will be.

Which is why the Female is the more evolved species and the Cro Magnon listens for his name and follows direction well.

Doctor Bean said...

"Cro Magnon Man drag female by hair"

That sounds expensive.

Jack's Shack said...

Three grunts out of how many?

Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

come and do my survey for orthodox couples about sex and intimacy
I claim married women end up hating sex

Cro Magnon Man said...

3 grunt out of 5.

Dating Master, stop comment spamming me or I hit you with big club.

Stacey said...

I loved the '76 version SO MUCH that I really have no desire to see this one. Think I'll definitely skip it now after reading what you've written.

I love getting there early (I hate being late to anything) because I LOVE the previews and trailers. But I HATE the commericals.

fudge said...

abba! haaaaaaaaaa haaaa haaa haa!
you're the reason i can't take anything seriously!

Cro Magnon Man said...

Oh, sure. Everything always Cro Magnon fault.

Jack's Shack said...

I claim married women end up hating sex

Datingmaster, maybe they just hate having it with you. ;)

Three grunts out of five, that is enough for me to go see it.

parcequilfaut said...

CMM, you always make me laugh.

Have a good Chanukah!

PsychoToddler said...

Possible Spoiler?








I just saw the 1933 version on TCM tonight. I am surprised at how closely Jackson kept to the original material. Many homages. There is one notable exception: the relationship between Anne and Kong. In the original film, there is not much love going out from Anne towards the ape. Her scenes with Kong involve constant terror and escape attempts. The relationship in the new film is more similar to Jessica Lange's version. To the point where she tries to get Kong to pick her up at the end so the planes won't shoot, and her and Driscoll's refusal to participate in the "show."

cruisin-mom said...

c.m.m: great review...and please thank p.t. for blogrolling me...all my shameless plugs worked!

Tito Maury said...

Hi PsychoToddler, I found your post this post while doing some research on king kong gallery. I like your blog, thank you for sharing the information and keep up the good work!. I really found some useful info!
I'll be back to see if you have any posts about king kong gallery. Bye

Doctor Bean said...

Useful info? Are you kidding?

I click refresh here like a dozen times a day. I've never found any useful info.

Useful? As in able to be used?

Like "I wonder what I would do if I went to see a patient but he wasn't in his room because he was in radiology?" or "I've been looking for a novel use of crazy glue. Can you help?"? That kind of useful?

fudge said...

Doctor Bean: What's not to understand? Obviously the question he was researching was: "I am a cave man. Will I enjoy King Kong?"

Priss said...

Men and women are so different. I hate coming attractions too, and I bring foam earplugs because they are too loud.

Essie said...

I have no interest in seeing the movie, but your review was hysterical!

Chana said...

that was great! :)

30cal said...

I knew he would degenerate to this....

blueenclave said...

First post on these so-called "Best Humor Blogs" I actually got a laugh. My husband refuses to see that movie. He didn't like the 1976 one either.

Cro Magnon Man said...

Cro Magnon Man honored blueenclave like stupid post!