Well, I went to the dentist today. I can’t say exactly when, but at some point, I turned into Bill Cosby. Before I start, I should mention that I also went to the dentist a month ago. It was at this visit that he told me he needs me to come back “a little sooner.” At which point I made up my mind to get one of those expensive ultrasonic toothbrushes. The kind that requires a degree in nuclear physics to assemble (Mrs. Balabusta got quite a kick out of watching me work my way through the instructions: “No, the BLUE ring, the BLUE ring…No, not the RED one! Don’t let the sides touch!!”). Also I decided to start flossing more. That is, to start flossing. More than before. Which was never.
So I returned today to continue the torture. Mind you, I have nothing against dentists. There has to be some occupation for people who can’t get into medical school. And I like this fellow quite a bit. He’s always asking me about my band, my practice, my family. Unfortunately he asks me at times when there are very sharp implements in my mouth and answering causes blood to spray out. Anyway…
Right off the bat I told him that I had bought the atomic toothbush. He seemed unimpressed. I reached down to get my Pocket PC, on which I had thoughtfully loaded a picture of the toothbrush, I guess to prove that I wasn’t making it up. But, alas, at that point, the assistant inquisitor fastened the paper bib around my neck, and the session proceeded.
And possibly this is the point where I turned into Bill Cosby. Because the dentist did something unexpected. Usually, he takes out one of those sharp metal hooks and hacks away at me. And I always assume the goal is to chip as much enamel off of my teeth as possible. Apparently he was not successful last month, because this time he took out something electric and quickly shoved it into my mouth. Before I knew what was happening, it started to emit a high-pitched, nerve-splitting whine (and living with the PT, I know a thing or two about high-pitched, nerve-splitting whines).
Boy, this doesn’t sound much like Bill Cosby yet, does it? Hmm…
OK, how bout this:
The dentist puts a supersonic cattle prod into your mouth. This is to see if he can make your hair stand on end. (laughter) It DOES.
Then, he takes out a long, metal hook. This is what he uses, when he tries to make you levitate. (more laughter) After a few minutes, you look down, and see that your legs are in fact, lifting themselves up off the chair, and levitating in mid-air. (even more laughter)
The dentist stops, because he does not want your legs to come all the way around and kick him in the head. (even more…you get the idea)
Then he points to his assistant. “GET THE HOSE.”
The assistant puts a hose the size of Detroit into your mouth. Then water pours in until you begin to drown.
Now you discover that the hose is actually a high powered industrial vacuum cleaner. It sucks the water, and most of your tongue, out of your mouth. You begin to relax.
The assistant tells you to close your mouth around the hose. It then begins to suck your lunch out from your stomach. You soon begin to feel your legs deflating. The assistant tells you to open your mouth. FOOOP! Your body reinflates.
You want to tell the dentist that you have had enough, but you cannot speak, because all of the air was sucked out of your lungs, and has not had enough time to get back in.
“Well that wasn’t so bad,” he says.
“For you or for me?”
“Come back in three months. Don’t forget to floss.”
You can bet that I won’t.