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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Dentist Sketch

Well, I went to the dentist today. I can’t say exactly when, but at some point, I turned into Bill Cosby. Before I start, I should mention that I also went to the dentist a month ago. It was at this visit that he told me he needs me to come back “a little sooner.” At which point I made up my mind to get one of those expensive ultrasonic toothbrushes. The kind that requires a degree in nuclear physics to assemble (Mrs. Balabusta got quite a kick out of watching me work my way through the instructions: “No, the BLUE ring, the BLUE ring…No, not the RED one! Don’t let the sides touch!!”). Also I decided to start flossing more. That is, to start flossing. More than before. Which was never.

So I returned today to continue the torture. Mind you, I have nothing against dentists. There has to be some occupation for people who can’t get into medical school. And I like this fellow quite a bit. He’s always asking me about my band, my practice, my family. Unfortunately he asks me at times when there are very sharp implements in my mouth and answering causes blood to spray out. Anyway…

Right off the bat I told him that I had bought the atomic toothbush. He seemed unimpressed. I reached down to get my Pocket PC, on which I had thoughtfully loaded a picture of the toothbrush, I guess to prove that I wasn’t making it up. But, alas, at that point, the assistant inquisitor fastened the paper bib around my neck, and the session proceeded.

And possibly this is the point where I turned into Bill Cosby. Because the dentist did something unexpected. Usually, he takes out one of those sharp metal hooks and hacks away at me. And I always assume the goal is to chip as much enamel off of my teeth as possible. Apparently he was not successful last month, because this time he took out something electric and quickly shoved it into my mouth. Before I knew what was happening, it started to emit a high-pitched, nerve-splitting whine (and living with the PT, I know a thing or two about high-pitched, nerve-splitting whines).

Boy, this doesn’t sound much like Bill Cosby yet, does it? Hmm…

OK, how bout this:

The dentist puts a supersonic cattle prod into your mouth. This is to see if he can make your hair stand on end. (laughter) It DOES.

Then, he takes out a long, metal hook. This is what he uses, when he tries to make you levitate. (more laughter) After a few minutes, you look down, and see that your legs are in fact, lifting themselves up off the chair, and levitating in mid-air. (even more laughter)

The dentist stops, because he does not want your legs to come all the way around and kick him in the head. (even more…you get the idea)

Then he points to his assistant. “GET THE HOSE.”

The assistant puts a hose the size of Detroit into your mouth. Then water pours in until you begin to drown.


Now you discover that the hose is actually a high powered industrial vacuum cleaner. It sucks the water, and most of your tongue, out of your mouth. You begin to relax.


The assistant tells you to close your mouth around the hose. It then begins to suck your lunch out from your stomach. You soon begin to feel your legs deflating. The assistant tells you to open your mouth. FOOOP! Your body reinflates.

You want to tell the dentist that you have had enough, but you cannot speak, because all of the air was sucked out of your lungs, and has not had enough time to get back in.

“Well that wasn’t so bad,” he says.

“For you or for me?”

“Come back in three months. Don’t forget to floss.”

You can bet that I won’t.


ball-and-chain said...

I too, have recently started flossing. My last visit to the dentist was better than the one before so that's good. Maybe there is something to this flossing thing

MC Aryeh said...

I just read recently that dentist is the profession with the highest suicide rate. I guess that's to be expected if you deflate people all day...

what was the point behind the whole hose/laughter episode? what was he trying to do?

Shira Salamone said...

This post made me laugh so hard I cried. Are you *sure* you're not Bill Cosby? :)

WBS said...

I like flossing because it's instant results. Brushing doesn't have the same effect for me as I judge the cleaniness of my mouth by the tint of my teeth (and the squeaky sound).

Just a tip, don't ever go to the dentist when you're sick. You could end up throwing up (twice!) on the hygentist, who is trying to fit you for a mouth guard. I didn't need the damn mouth guard until the orthodontist magically caused me to have tmj after a wisdom teeth surgery - and as you can see, I'm no longer bitter.

Those metal things are pure evil - just thinking about them makes my teeth hurt and bleed.

A Simple Jew said...

Whenever my dentist asks, "How often do you floss?"

I respond, "When was the last time I was here?"

Jack's Shack said...

I thought about becoming a dentist because of the sadist in me. Oops, did I say that out loud.

PsychoToddler said...

BAC: I have very crooked overlapping teeth. So it's hard to get the floss between them. With my bottom teeth, I can sorta force the floss between them but sometimes I have a hard time getting it back out!

MCAryeh: The hose was to drown me, didn't you read what I wrote? Actually, apparently the cattle prod dohicky gets hot, so they have to cool it with continuous water.

Shira: I don't know. My wife sees many similarities. "Dad is great! Gives us chocolate cake!"

WBS: I say if they choose that profession, they get what they deserve. Of course, I'm in a profession where I shove my finger up people's watzitz all day long so...

ASJ: I hear you, brother.

Jack: You're a rabid anti-Dentite!

A Simple Jew said...

Also...when they ask me if I want braces I respond, "No, I am comfortable with my crooked teath. I figure if anything ever happens to me they will be able to identify me by my dental records."

A Simple Jew said...

I meant "teeth"

Irina Tsukerman said...

You described my dental (dentistical???) experiences to the T. It's scary. Maybe they've all conspired to kill us?

Lvnsm27 said...

PT, LOL! Hilarious!

WBS said...

The dentists have a conspiracy. As a child they trained everyones teeth to need a cleaning/checkup every six months. I think plenty of us could skip the second appointment with the quality of our mouthcare. And if for some reason you need to schedule an appointment for three months, make sure the dentist reevaluates that need or they'll have you coming every three months forever.

Highest suicide, especially if they live in Seattle?

PT: We're all insulting the people and the profession, but really, someone has to do it. There are plenty of dentists that are good people and are good to their patients. I didn't get a cavity until my 20s and I credit my dentist(s) for that.

PsychoToddler said...

WBS: I know, I know. Some of my best friends are dentists. It's a tough job, and I'm sure they are unappreciated by their patients.

This post was very much tongue in cheek--ouch! Forgot that sharp metal hook was there!!

Ralphie said...

All right, all right. Let's all settle down now. My father is a dentist. A periodontist/oral surgeon/implantologist, actually. He says you don't have to floss all of your teeth. Only the ones you want to keep. [Wait for laughter. Hear only crickets chirping.]

Dad is here in L.A. visiting right now, in fact. He went to the La Brea Tar Pits museum, where he bought a replica of a sabre-tooth tiger fang. He plans to produce it after removing a patient's tooth. He's funny like that.

In any case, I'm surprised a dentist is able to work on any of you, what with the big ol' pacifiers in your mouths and all. [Wait for laughter. Receive tomatoes in face.]

Ralphie said...

(by the way - did you notice the dental-themed ads to the right? Priceless)

PsychoToddler said...

Yeah, Ralphie, this post has brought out all the latent anti-Dentism in my readers. Next thing you know, they'll be saying they should have their own schools!

Stacey said...

Eeewww, what is with you doctors who don't floss?? That is soooo gross!

For the record, I HATE dentists, too. I even like the old pap smear deal better than the dental checkup. Yeech.

I don't care how much $$$ they paid me or how many pairs of gloves I wore, I would NEVER put my hands in someone's gross, germy mouth. BLECH!!

WBS said...

Have to put the whole dialogue - it's too funny for excerpts alone.

JERRY: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
KRAMER: Those people, listen to yourself.
JERRY: What?
KRAMER: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
JERRY: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
KRAMER: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
JERRY: I am not an anti-dentite!
KRAMER: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
JERRY: They do have their own schools!
KRAMER: Yeah!....


PsychoToddler said...

I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes!

Ralphie said...

Speaking of OB/GYN issues and dentistry... a female patient being prepped for a root canal told my father she'd rather give birth than have a root canal. Dad said, "Let me know what it's gonna be, so I can adjust the chair."

Yes, he'd waited for that his entire career.

Irina Tsukerman said...

My dentist had to help a woman giving birth in a remote village once. It was a really funny story.

Mrs. Balabusta said...

First of all, the atomic toothbrush was the PT's birthday present. Not that it's sexy or anything, more like it's how you know what it's like to get old.

Second of all, how about we tell the gang about your bite adjuster that you went back five times to get fitted which you wore not 2 hours straight? Hemmm??????

Thirdly and lastly, my pet peeve is where this guy will and won't put his hands. I don't know (and don't want to know) where they are during the day, but Gd Forbid he should get the spaghetti out of the sink drainer before the sink overflows **while** he is washing the dishes. Somethings, he states, are just too gross. But, says me, what about the other things these hands get into (and I could name them here or Bean-O could, cause he won the raffle for the stool identifier card).

But, says the PT, I wear gloves.

And then I say "Lance Armstrong wears glasses"

PsychoToddler said...

Ralphie: Your dad sounds like a hoot. If he were my dentist, I'd probably bite his fingers off by laughing.

Irina: That's a story I'd love to hear. Mrs. B's first OB was a fighter pilot in Israel's war of independence. I once delivered a baby with my bare hands (hear that Mrs. B?) in a waiting room once.

Mrs. B: Lance Hunt, not Lance Armstrong, quoting as you are from Mystery Men. The rest is essentially correct.

Mirty said...

There has to be some occupation for people who can’t get into medical school

Ooooh, mean!

The dentist I go to is a minor celebrity here in town. He's the handsome, hippie dentist and his wife is a massage therapist. I go to both of them. I figure he causes me pain and she relieves pain.

He doesn't use much anesthetic. His thing is to give you a radio and headset and let you choose the music you find most numbing. Then he turns up the laughing gas. The whole experience is always surreal. 100 years later, I get an incomprehensible bill, which I of course pay out of fear he will show up at my door and pull my teeth out.

Ezzie said...

That was one of the most hilarious grouping of comments I've read in a while... Thanks!

Shevy said...

Lots of laughs.

dentists in los angeles said...

So funny! you sure you're not Bill Cosby? :) More power to your blog,hehe.

by: florence