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Thursday, August 18, 2005

FUBAR (warning: strong language)

There’s nothing like home repairs to make me start swearing like a sailor. Mind you, I’m usually not a potty mouth. I pride myself on my refined speech. I can remember a time when I never used four letter words at all, not even to impress the guys. For many years I was very careful not to let any F-bombs slip in the presence of my children.

But lately all stops are out. I’ve noticed it while teaching the kids to drive. Sometimes I have no control over what comes out of my mouth. “HOLY S*** WHAT THE F@@@ ARE YOU DOING!!! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE F$$$ING DRIVING!!” I’ve even let loose a few JCs, and I have no idea where they came from: “JES*** CHR** YOU’RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!!!!!”

At least I’m out of earshot of the little ones when we’re out in the car. But nothing gets to me like home repair work. Mrs. Balabusta wrote about our recent potato in the ceiling fan debacle. She left out the more colorful aspects. I had started to unscrew the lightbulb and it came apart with the base of the bulb still stuck in the socket. That elicited an automatic “Gawd-dammit.” Then I stared at it for a while as I thought of my next move. I grabbed the replacement bulb, because I remember hearing somewhere that you could use the new bulb to “screw-out” the old one. Well it didn’t work; the old one was jammed in there good. It didn’t help that I couldn’t get good leverage because I was working off a side angle, the lamp being directly over a big table. A couple of “crap”s later and I was on to plan B.

I grabbed a pair of pliers and tried to grab hold of the edge of the old bulb base. I should probably have turned off the power at this point, but why use good judgment when I’m already making a total idiot out of myself? I tried to twist the bulb out, but of course all it did was twist out of shape, ensuring that it would NEVER turn in the socket again. At this point I let out a few lame “sh*t”s and asked my wife to pick something up at the hardware store.

The next evening, armed with the magic potato (see the Mrs. for details) I attempted to screw out the old bulb. Three relatively juicy potatoes later (don’t panic; we turned off the circuit breaker), I came to the conclusion that the fixture was really “f***ed-up”.

Next, we went to plan D. Or maybe it was back to plan B. I lost track. WTF was I talking about? Oh yes, plan 9: Got the pliers out again. By now, the socket was all full of potato and I was convinced that if we tried to flip on the power, the whole house would explode in a puff of green smoke. I started scraping the potato out with the pliers and a butter knife. At this point, I decided that the fixture had gone past being “all f***ed-up” and was now, in fact, “FUBAR.”

I scraped and peeled the metallic bits of the old bulb out of the socket and eventually was able to clean it up. Then I cautiously screwed in a new bulb and was very relieved that the house did not explode when we turned on the power.

All was fine and I attempted to watch “Bubba Hotep” with Fudge (who wisely left after a few minutes of the guy talking about a bump on his wotzitz) when Mrs. B noticed her printer didn’t work anymore. I thought I was out of cuss words, but believe me, I had only just begun…

20 comments:

JC said...

Never fear, this can happen to anyone and although it seems to be contagious, I don't think that it is too terribly serious an affliction. I am sorry that the potato didn't work for you. My last ceiling fan incident it worked on the first time. Now, the printer thing would get me going. Nothing makes me madder than having something, anything wrong with my computer.

zahava said...

Hey PT -- if you think you swear like a sailor, imagine living with Trep! HA!

zahava said...

Though truth be told... he isn't the one with the potty mouth (looks away innocently while whistling)....

PsychoToddler said...

No sh*t.

Ralphie said...

Come on, people, I'm no saint, but it's not so hard to avoid the coarser words in our language...

I myself prefer "Fargin Bastages"

PsychoToddler said...

Well, I HAVE been saying "Holy Cwap" alot...

Jack's Shack said...

My father hung me on a hook...once!

Doctor Bean said...

In college we had a kind of curse cheer which we would shout when things went really wrong:

"Oh sh!t! G-d d@mn! F***! Son of a b****!"

It made things a little better.

torontopearl said...

My cussin' happens in the car when I'm driving and someone cuts me off or doesn't let me change lanes, etc. It's usually not as strong as your "farkakte" language, but is simple and sweet:
"stupid {use real word here; I'm just substituting it} donkey!!"

Mirty said...

The privacy of the automobile seems to have been made for cussin' like a sailor. People watching will just think you're singing. Until you actually start banging your head on the steering wheel.

BTW, I once had a side business called "Computer FUBAR" in which I promised to fix even totally FUBARed computers. Unfortunately, I couldn't make much money because of my "No charge unless I fix it" policy. Sometimes, it can't be fixed. That's how you know it's FUBAR.

Stacey said...

You have just blown my image of you, Dr. Squeaky Clean.

This nice Jewish girl has a foul, foul mouth. I have tried to tone it down now that I'm a mommy, but I have to admit that a loud, resounding "F*CK!!!!" is the best stress reliever.

Stacey said...

Oops, just read that back and ummm, I meant that screaming that word is a stress reliever. ;)

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

I try to save cursewords for very extreme situations, in order to not dilute their power. When i let loose, you know i mean it.

Although everyone has their own standards of what counts as cursing, or simply rude, or perfectly acceptable. I got in trouble once with a religious Christian friend for using the word "Hell" too freely. I don't consider it much of a bad word, since after all as far as i'm concerned there's no such thing! (Geihinom = Purgatory) Since he believes in a Hell, and considers it something extremely serious, he therefore didn't appreciate gratuitous use of the word.

parcequilfaut said...

If you think you're bad, PT, you should have heard this girl, today, when her tire popped on the way to her birthday dinner at her parents'...

"WTF? What the Honky F? Garrrdemmmit NOOOOOOO sunnuvabizznatch!"

Which is not NEARLY as awesome as what came out of my mouth when I dropped a 20-lb drawer edge-side down on my right foot last weekend:

Oh! Shizz! Jeeeeezus! Shizzing! Chrizzneist! FARRRKKKK!

And while me and JC are down, he's not my deity, so I don't know why he pops in there. But "Jumped up Allah on a pogo stick" has come out of my mouth more than once, so I guess you never know.

My friend the Christian says I have a d@@@n pottymouth. I concur.

fudge said...

i have only one thing to point to as regards this:

http://toothpastefordinner.com/112004/emergencies-or-the-internet.gif

PsychoToddler said...

Jack: I guess I really should try to TiVo Johnny Dangerously.

DB: Catchy.

Pearl: I would really like to substitute some Yiddish curses for some of these generic ones. They're much funnier. Unfortunately, the ones I have are hardwired.

Mirty: As far as I'm concerned, all computers are FUBAR. You should hear about me and the laser printer.

Stacey: You thought I was squeaky clean? What have I been doing wrong? And...I didn't think your comment needed clarification.

Steg: One day, when you have kids, you'll discover that pretty much everything gets diluted.

Fahuqwgads: Personal injury is usually justification for escalation to level 2 cussing. That's usually a combination of different cusses or changes from noun to verb or vice versa.

Fudge: Very appropriate.

Doctor Bean said...

PT: Would you teach Fudge to make frigging links? ;-)

AMSHINOVER said...

hahahahahaahahaaahhahahaahahahahhaahhaahahaahhahhaahahahah

Wickwire said...

How fu&*&%$ funny! Mine is "Gawddammit" Not so cool when your two year old says, "dammit" after you do though.

parcequilfaut said...

I know, PT. I just have a Level 1 pottymouth most of the time, it's my nature. I can usually control it around children and my elders, but when I hurt myself it's all off.