Today I gave the Kosher Shpiel. It is a shpiel, or story, that I have had to give several times a year, every year, since I left New York. I've had to give it so many times, I've thought about printing it up and handing it to people. It usually goes like this:
Them: What's that you're eating there?
Me: A tuna sandwich.
Them: Is it "kosher"?
Me: Yep.
Them: So tuna is kosher?
Me: Yep.
Them: I see...so what is "kosher" anyway? Did a Rabbi have to bless it or something?
Me: (Deep breath) OK...there are a couple of basic rules. First of all, the laws of kashrut are in your bible there. They're in the "old Testament".
Second, certain animals are kosher and certain aren't. That's spelled out there too. It has to chew its cud and have split hooves.
Them: Ewwww....I'm eating here! So why is that?
Me: Because it says so.
Them: Isn't there some reason for it? Is it a healthy diet?
Me: You ever seen Jews eat??
Them: Well why can't you eat a pig?
Me: Because it says so. There is no reason given. It's a rule. Like leaving the tags on the pillow.
So aside from the which-animals-are-kosher bit, they also have to be slaughtered in a specific way. No electrocution. Some people say it's more humane. But that's not necessarily the reason. It still fits into the "because it says so" category.
Them: Don't you want to know if there's a reason behind it?
Me: Sure I do. But that's immaterial. Besides, as a parent I know that if I try to explain my rules to my kids, they will always find a compelling argument for breaking them.
So the next part is no mixing meat and milk.
Them: Why would you want to do that?
Me: Cheeseburger.
Them: NO CHEESEBURGER??? Are you sure you want to stay with this religion?
Me: Small price to pay. Anyway, that's a verse too. Something about not cooking a kid in the milk of it's mother.
Them: I told you I'm trying to EAT here. Knock it off with the farm animals. So is that some kind of rule for compassion?
Me: You can look at it that way, I guess. There's also a rule that if you want to take an egg from a nest, you should shoo away the bird so she doesn't see you take her kid. Same thing, I guess. It's not written out that way.
Look, the laws of Kashrut were given without explanation. We're just supposed to do it. You can read into it anyway you want. Maybe if we're careful about what we put in our mouthes, we'll be more careful about what comes out of them.
Them: I'm warning you...So what about the Rabbi? When does he bless stuff?
Me: The only blessing occurs when I eat the food. The Rabbi is there to make sure all the other rules are followed. He's the inspector. If I don't know that a restaurant or a product is under supervision, how do I know that they don't sneak a couple of squid eyes into the soup?
Them: You better run...
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11 comments:
You could use the Vincent Vega/Jules speech from Pulp Fiction on why Jules doesn't eat pigs - I paraphrase it when asked and say "I just don't dig on swine." (I'm sort of kidding).
At least you're patient enough to give a nice answer to their questions, even though I can tell you've been on this road many times. You are approachable!
Ahhh, the Kosher question arises yet again. How difficult it is for non-Jewish co-workers to understand the concept when they see me order a Kosher meal for a company event, but the other Jewish co-workers don't. Yes, I've given countless insider explanations over the years, as well as the reassurance that "Kosher" does not necessarily equal "better". I hear a lot of "Next time I'm gonna order a Kosher meal like Pearl." Okay, people, just have a lot of garbage bags ready for all the multi-foil and multi plastic wrap disposables!
Gee,
Reminds me of when a mutual co-worker of ours asked me if you would eat the home baked cookies (of hers) she wanted to give to all the doctors..I said I didn't think it was a good idea.
Then she wanted to buy you a pointsetta instead....
Saf :0
I spent my first date with the lovely ball-and-chain arguing kashrut. I kid you not. I was totally secular. She grew up conservative. I went home that night thinking "Cool. Finally someone who is religious who is as smart as me and can defend her position. I might learn something. [And she's cute, too.]" She went home thinking "Another anti-religious shmuck who knows nothing about Judaism." Fast-forward 15 years. We've been married for 13 of them, have 4 kids and are (very) Modern Orthodox (with very modifying modern, not orthodox). I taught her that she was doing a lot of things by habit just because she was raised that way without thinking about them. She taught me that secularism is no more rational than religion, it just starts with a differen set of unprovable axioms. It's been a great 15 years, and it all started with her kosher shpiel.
Doctor Bean doesn't know that the only reason I married him is so I could stop giving the "Sorry, I only date Jews" Shpiel. It went something like this.
Guy: So, do you wanna go out sometime?
Me: I only date Jewish guys.
Guy: Why, are you some kind of bigot? You are eliminating most of the world's male population.
Me: No, I'm not a bigot. I just want to share core values with the person I date.
Guy: I think it's just bigoted.
Me: Did I say it's because you're not Jewish? I meant it's because you're ugly.
Motomama--
You know something? These "discussions" I have with my non-jewish workers are probably the most important things I do as a Jew. I try not to give them the impression that we're a bunch of wierdos or fanatics. There is reason to what we do. I really think this is the purpose of the Jew in this world. You know, even christians don't always reallize that we're not some "fad", but we were here first and what they have, the positives at least, comes from us.
Pearl--
My first group was about 50% Jewish. For meetings, I was the only one who ordered a kosher airline meal to be brought in. Within a few years, several of them began ordering kosher meals too. Guys who were not in any way observant. I think I must have "guilted" them into it. So if I allowed them to eat kosher just one time, I think it was worth it.
Safranit--
I posted something at Jack's Shack about this:
http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/2005/02/orthodox-versus-jewry-or-my-blood-is.html#110780371470183012Bean-- Sounds like you guys have a great marriage. Do you also work together? It's hard enough for me to volunteer once a month with my wife. I like it, but it's a little...weird.
BAC-- I'd bet that a lot of our rules sound bigoted to non-Jews. But we're a real minority just trying to survive one more generation. we need to look out for ourselves.
I know both of those discussions, Kosher only and the dating one too. They can be interesting.
b&c got her PhD while I was in med school/residency and is mostly a full-time mom. Except she calls herself a "housewife" rather than a "full-time mom" because it sounds so much more retrogressive and it rankles our liberal femenist friends. She also does most of my medical billing, which is a huge help.
Also, Shabbat shalom.
Once a month I volunteer with my wife (she's a nurse) to staff a college clinic. It's fun working with her, but she tends to treat me like she does at home, ie bosses me around. I've never had a nurse treat me like that before, so it sends me for a little loop. You know:
Me: She needs a blood test.
Her: Here, fill out the form yourself.
I love giving the kosher shpiel. Mainly because I love hearing myself talk, and I usually leave the asker sorry he asked. I'm pretty hard to shut up.
I don't date non-Jewish men. Mainly because I'm happily married to my wife.
Also, since we're talking about food and Pulp Fiction please tell me you've seen the Israeli McDonald's ad.
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