Them: So now what are you eating?
Me: Kit Kat bar.
Them: Kit Kat bar? Why?
Me: Because I had to leave early this morning and I didn't get a chance to make a tuna sandwich, and the only kosher food at the gas station was candy.
Them: You gotta be kidding! Kit Kats are kosher?
Me: Yep.
Them: Why?
Me: Man, that's a deep question. Superficial answer: Because there's nothing non-kosher about them.
Them: How do you know they didn't use pork feet to make it?
Me: Aside from the repulsiveness of that suggestion, I know because it says so on the wrapper. See here?
Them: What, that little "u"?
Me: That's a U with a circle. We call it an "OU". It stands for "Orthodox Union." It means there's someone who inspects the plant to make sure that insect blood isn't being squished into it.
Them: What do you mean by...insect blood?
Me: Oh, didn't you know? Insect blood is a very popular form of red food coloring. But non-kosher.
Them: (putting down their sandwich)...er...really? So the rabbi is like a health inspector?
Me: You see me eating a candy bar for lunch, and yet you ask if the rabbi is there to ensure that the food is healthy? Remember, kashrut has nothing to do with health. It's a wives tale to make people feel better about it. No, he's just there to make sure it's kosher. But I guess it helps that there's someone keeping an eye on things, so more unsavory stuff doesn't get in.
There's actually a lot of kosher products. Here look in the fridge: this ketchup, the cream cheese, these baco bits, the soda.
Them: So is this salad dressing kosher?
Me: (inspecting bottle).....nope.
Them: What about this symbol?
Me: Registered trademark.
Them: Ok, how bout this one?
Me: Copyright.
Them: Well this has to mean kosher--it's a K!
Me: It might. Plain-K isn't a kosher symbol. It's something the manufacturer puts on to make it look kosher. It doesn't belong to a certifying group. I'd have to check with someone on that, like kashrut.com.
Them: I can't believe that all these mainstream food products are inspected by rabbis!
Me: The world is a strange place.
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4 comments:
your kosher conversations are too funny, mainly cause i think every frum jew has had both those conversations at least 100 times over thier lifespan. Maybe you could do a series of those? You could create a kosher superhero who flies around and saves people from having to answer those questions.
Shh...don't blow my secret identity.
I am...MATZOH MAN!!
or maybe
DOC GLATT!!
or possibly
KAPTAIN KUGEL!!
da dada DAAAHH!!!
Seriously, feel free to use these as you see fit. I think I've got one more in me.
Funny they skipped right over the irony of kosher baco-bits.
I guess I'm a little too subtle.
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